There has been an area of sin in my life that God has been dealing with in me. It's not that big of a thing, well not to me anyway, or may not seem like it to you for that matter, but sin is sin, and it pains God just the same. A little while ago, I was pretty sick throwing up all day, and I started watching this program, and there was a lot of drama and conniving in it, not glorifying to the Lord at all. The part that became wrong about it is when TJ said he didn't approve of it, and I got sucked in, and felt like I HAD to know what happened next, obsessively, so over time I continued to watch the program, feeling like it wasn't right every time, but justifying it in my mind, thinking it really wasn't that bad. The thing is that: is was taking a toll on my relationship with God, I was having a hard time praying for people (which is one of my ministries in the church), having a hard time doing my devotions in the morning, it was effecting my relationship with TJ, and frankly everyone around me. You may be thinking how could that be? But this one little sin was overtaking me, when in the midst of it, I didn't realize how deep this was going, I completely gave in! I watched the whole thing, because I felt like I had to! And it was wrong.
Last Thursday night in our Bible study we were discussing the topic of faith, and looking up different references in attempt to define what faith is. I can't even remember what all the references were, but there was several verses that spoke to me.
Romans 14:23 "and everything that does not come from faith is sin", 'walk by faith and not by sight' 'faith comes from hearing and hearing by the word of God' Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please God". On Sunday Pastor Barron talked about our lives belonging to God, and our life IS ministry, anything good that comes from us is going to be from God, so we better surrender everything to HIM so that he can actually use us.Today I was reading Psalm 32
"Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was snapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the LORD' and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but much be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him. Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing all you who are upright in heart!"
I cried while reading this today, it was exactly what my heart wanted to express, it was like God knew what I felt and has graciously forgiven me. I asked TJ to forgive me the other day, but today God has overwhelmed me and brought me to my knees, where I need to be.
God is faithful even when I am not, He is so forgiving... WHY!? I don't know, I literally don't understand. God, thank you for your unfailing love!