Yesterday (March 8th) I went in for my check-up, if you didn't know, I am am seeing a midwife every month, and will be delivering my baby in a birthing center, set up to look like your having your baby at home (it's actually very nice). I was really excited about going to this place, because of all the good things I had read about it, and the person who started it (Jenny Joseph), who I have yet to meat. Yesterday I left the office feeling a little unsettled, kind of like one of many cattle who they are running through the system, I feel like I'm not getting much choice. I think it begins with my expectations, because they didn't exactly meet those, I feel a little disappointed (which is my fault). One of the reasons I am going there is because I wanted to avoid some of the things that I would have to go through at a hospital, which I now feel that I am not avoiding.
On top of all that, I found out I have a "venous lake" in my placenta, which is a pocket of "mommy's" blood in the placenta where nutrition is supposed to be getting to the baby, not the mother's blood. It is actually not that big of a deal, because I only have one, but I was required to see a doctor, and he was telling me how I need to be getting ultra sounds every 4-6 weeks to make sure it doesn't get bigger, and he said a lot of other things to kind of freak me out. I personally feel that the radiation in ultra sounds are bad for baby's, so I don't want to do many more, but I probably will have one more to make sure everything is ok. Anyway, I know this "venous lake" has not effected my baby in the last month, because she has been booming in size. I trust that God's going to take care of me.
From our appointment TJ and I drove to our little french bakery we always eat at after my appointments, and I just sat there in the car and cried, because I wanted to the best for my baby girl, and didn't feel like I was getting that.
But God is so good, you know what? In the end it's not about what is worrying me up a wall, or that my expectations are not being met, it's whether or not I can trust the God who made the heavens and the earth, if I can trust the God who gave me this little baby girl, that he will do with her what he pleases. HE has a plan and a purpose for our lives, and I have a consistent, loving God who I can cast my fears upon, and he will never fail me.
